I want ...

Is it bad to want something?

„Daddy, I want apple juice!“ announces small boy at the café table.

"Stop this wanting-talk right away!” reacts the dad, loudly, quickly and abruptly  

I got this nagging feeling from it.


Due this pandemic, people have started to revise their lives and they come to my sessions because they don’t know what they want from life or who they want to be.

We know very well what we must do, what we are allowed to do, what we are entitled to and expected to do, what is nice and what is right to do. We have built our lives on it.

But what do we really want?

When did this happen that our desires, our wantings became to be the enemy, rudeness, wrong attitude and overcoming of others?

Knowing what you want from life has its roots in your childhood, in small understandings of what you want. What do I want to eat, what do I want to wear, who do I want to play with and what to play.

It doesn’t mean that we must get everything we desire. No. We need to learn to deal with disappointments too. It is a natural part of life. But if everything you want is abruptly dismissed, if it is always bad to want something – how do we know what we want later?

 Sure, it is important to direct your children to notice that their choices would be healthier, more based on needs, more balanced, that they are expressed politely. Sure. Unfortunately, I have noticed too often, that children shouldn’t even have this phrase in their vocabulary “I want”.

Children are not able to think in a sophisticated way and see behind those abrupt restrains, that maybe you just want them to express themselves more politely. They take you literally, word to word, they see your reaction, your tone. They translate it: “My desires are bad. Without wanting anything I am better, that way I will be loved.”


What do you want?

Do you let yourself want something?

 Foto: Unsplash, Kelly Sikkema

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Is there meaning behind your everyday actions? What is the "Why" behind your main decisions? Do you know your strengths? What is your calling, your Ikigai?
In the constant haste we don’t have much time to stop and contemplate on deeper things in our life.
Contemplate on the meaningfulness for example. Think about our Why´s in life.
We just drive through the life on the autopilot, sitting on the passenger seats of our life-cars.
In same time having the meaning, is one of our basic needs in life.
If we don’t have a meaning in our lives, in our jobs and other activities, it is a highway to burnout, highway to depression.
This meaningless bustle exhausts your life energy, weakens your immune system and in long run – shortens your healthy living time.
We need meaning into our lives.
We need to become aware of our Why´s.
More I am aware of my values, more I take them into account - more meaning I have in my life.
Do you waste your time and energy on trivial things, that don’t mean anything to you? Waste on efforts to meet external expectations, to be always good to everybody? Sometimes even to things that seem stupid to you or worse – inconsistent with your values?
Or you are taking responsibility of your life and you are trying to bring more meaningfulness to your life? Trying to filter more decisions through your own value filter?
Current times - uncertain and full of contradictions – will affect us less, if we stay in the centre, if we seek for more meaning in our everyday life.
I can see that lot of people, have only now started to notice that they miss meaningfulness in their lives. Until now, this haste and autopilot mode has “protected” them from looking for this deeper meaning. In a way, it is easier like that, there is less responsibility without meaning. Less responsibility for your life.
I think that one of the positive sides of this covid time is, that people will not want to pointlessly speed forward anymore. Give themselves to things that don’t have deeper meaning for them.
Unfortunately, it is not easy change. First there will be darkness and crisis inside.
We want more meaning into our lives but at the same time, we are afraid to create more meaning into our lives. It is not conscious fear, usually.
We have fears. Creating more meaning, means changes. Changing your life. It is scary.
It seems to threaten our other basic needs – security (with pinching from our life standard), belonging (making some people think that you are weird). It seems to threaten our good person image. It seems to make us more egoistic, if we follow our own values, act on our own needs and dreams.
It is misconception that if you consider more of yourself then you drive carelessly over others.
It is contrary.
Yes, you might not offer the same, that others have use to get from you, that you have given to them before. But you don’t have to offer everything to everybody, all the time. You don’t have to be people pleaser.
If you go to your general physician with aching tooth, your doctor will not drill your tooth with first convenient tool, just to be good to you. Just to be the good person who helps everybody. You will be sent to dentist. Your doctor is not bad person because of that. On contrary.
If you look for more meaning in your life, then you have chance to find out what is your real mission in this life. What you have come to offer to this world. Though your real values and strengths. Your nature and your gifts are not randomly given to you. World needs them. World needs your genuine nature.
By mapping your strengths, your values, your dreams – you will find your meaning, your calling, your Ikigai.
Photo by Kelli Kook

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"Normal" relationship

What is "normal" relationship to you? Are you cat or dog type of person? What kind of expectations you set you your relationships? Why?
I am in a relationship, and I like it.
Same time, I have realised that our relationship is not exactly matching with generally recognised social standards. Thanks for that! It suits for us.
Same time, I do understand those who choose to live alone. Choose, because they like that way, not because they are afraid to commit.
It is sad that they are often judged without further thought:
"Oh, they are afraid to commit!"
"Oh, you just haven’t met the right one, you will want to marry when you meet the one!"
No, not all the people need classical relationships!
For some people it is ok to live alone. To live without offspring. To change partners. Not to get married. This can also be normal. It is only important that you are honest with the other side.
There are two kinds of people for me – cat and dog type of people.
Cat type of people need more freedom, more independence, they need to live by their own rules, it is difficult for them to live in the herd.
Dog type of people, on contrary, like to live in the herd. They want to be with the partner as much as possible, to things together, they like, and they know how to consider others.
I am a cat type of person by my nature. It is exhausting for me to function in the herd. I love my family, but I need more freedom, more alone time than average person. I feel beset and constraint very easily. Fortunately, we are a like with my partner. It is usual that same type of people match.
But it seems to me, that dog type of people’s vision of relationships, is considered somehow more normal, righter.
Normality does not have to be only this overly romantic everlasting love, that we see in movies. Meeting, dating, living together, marriage, house, dog, children …
There is different kind of normal. We just tend to look things through our own filters. What is worse, through society filter.
If we don’t match with it, then we feel bad about ourselves, we criticise ourselves, we compare ourselves with other couples, we envy seemingly ideal couples and through that, set expectation to our own relationships. But with that we ruin our relationships, and we keep looking for this ideal, this normal. For this prince on the white horse, waiting for this relationship that meets social norms. Because if I have something different, if I feel good with some other reality, then I am not totally ok. Then there is something wrong with me. Then others pity me.
It took me years to profoundly understand that, and I see it on my clients all the time.
We try to fit into frames, but we tend to not match with ones.
There are more colours in life and in relationships than our traditional framework provides us.
I don’t fit well.
Most of us don’t fit well.
We just keep trying to fit. To match. With some sort of median. With socially acceptable. With some tradition. Some ideal.
Unfortunately, it robs you joy of life. Creates anxiety and depression.
Let yourself to be you. Genuine with all your horns and tales. Without fitting and matching. Without adaption and reduction.
Your way
Foto: Yan Laurichesse, Unsplash

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Stories in our head

What kind of stories you keep telling to yourself? To others about yourself? How they actually influence you?
"My father abandoned us when I was a kid. Already then I knew, I can´t trust men!”
"My mother loved my sister more! I am not the first choice! My needs don´t count! "
"I was not wanted child. That’s why my father was drinking all the time and I was just a burden to my mother."
"I was left completely alone when I was just a kid. I have to always cope on my own!"
"My mother always said, that you can´t trust your superiors, your employer will always want to just use you.”
And so on ….
We all have those different stories about ourselves that we keep repeating.
This is just a story, that keeps you spinning in this drama.
This is just a story, that ended long time ago but with constant telling it to yourself and to others, you keep this pain alive.
This is just a story, that forces you to find different ways to numb this pain as you repeat it. Alcohol, food, scrolling, shopping, overworking, gambling etc.
This is just a story, that makes you react on autopilot and from fear, again and again. Fight when it is not needed. Escape when you should stay. Play dead when you should express yourself.
This is just a story, that makes you subconsciously seek for evidence that it is still valid, day after day, again and again.
We have the saying: Whoever seeks, it finds!
If you had different story, you would find evidence for that too. Evidence to validate opposite story.
Those stories are like objectives, that design our steps and take us deeper and deeper into those stories.
We start to repeat same events, with different people in different places. Sometimes those things really happen, sometimes we create those experiences just through our perception.
We are abandoned again and again, we are pushed away again and again, we are betrayed again and again, we are diminished again and again, we are insulted again and again. I could keep on almost endlessly. We all have our personal dramas, patterns and victim positions, that we repeat again and again.
We repeat them until we repeat our story. If we change our story, our reality will change. Sometimes immediately sometimes slowly but it can´t stay the same.
We start to make different choices. Every story makes us choose differently.
Our stories design our lives!
We are more powerful than we think we are. We just don’t notice where we invest our energy, we don’t notice where we let our stories to take us.
- What kind of story you are letting yourself to repeat?
- Where does this story take you?
- Do you really want to be led by this story?
- Or is it time to start to slightly change your story?
Photo: Unsplash, social.cut

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Is perfectionism familiar to you? Are you letting it stop you?
Perfectionism is often just a way to escape.
Escape from the things that we are afraid of but in the same time we desire into our lives.
Sometimes it is the fear of success.
We are afraid to start and fly. There is so much uncertainty - connected to this potential success. At the moment everything is familiar, kind of safe.
Let go! Let yourself to start, even if it seems still incomplete to you.
Maybe your standards are too high?
Your standards are so high not because you or your creation is not ready - it is because of fear.
It is ready for a long time. You are ready for a long time. You know that!
Now you are just adding countless cherries on the top of the cake and keep telling to yourself that its not perfect yet.
it is ready!

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Accepting help

Do you accept help? 
„Open up, I saw that you came home! It’s me!“
And 12 years old Katrin opened the door to that “me”. To the “me” I didn’t want to play with at that moment but to who I didn’t have courage to say “no” to. I often pretended to not being home because that was easier than to say this horrifying “no”
For years, it was really difficult for me to say “no” if somebody asked something or I was invited to somewhere. It seemed overwhelmingly hard to say “no”.
As a paradox, in a same time, I was excellent at saying “no” if somebody offered help to me. This “no” came so quickly. I didn’t even notice how it did slip out of my lips.
“I am strong, and I will manage myself!” – nobody can think I am weak or helpless, was my fear behind this “no”. Katrin can ALWAYS DO EVERYTHING HIMSELF.
“I don’t want to bother you!” is other common reaction. There is a fear of being burden, being too egoistic and demanding. Nobody doesn’t have to strive because of me or feel uncomfortable, I will take minimum space.
Behind both of those fears, is feeling of inadequacy and worthlessness. Fear that if somebody sees those characteristics in you, then you no longer belong, then you will be abandoned, then you will be rejected.
So, we keep reacting on autopilot mode and push back all help that was offered. We usually even don’t notice those moment.
Often it leads to the feeling of exhaustion and being used. We feel frustration and disappointment that we must do everything ourselves. That we must cope with everything, ALONE.
Painful truth is that we, ourselves pushed away others attempts to help us. One moment they just gave up.
People feel comfortable that way and they start to take advantage of this “superpower” of yours. Mostly it is subconscious, like you are turning down the help.
Certainly, there are people who will never offer help to you or even notice your need for help. But have you asked yourself? Or one moment you just explode when you feel that it is over your head? I rather had that tactic.
If you read Five Languages of Love, you find that there are people who express their love through serving. Think how they feel if you push their help back, constantly. You would not be burden to them, you would give them opportunity to express their love to you.
Take a moment and ask from yourself:
- Do I accept help?
- Why do I turn down the offer to help?
- Do I ask for help when needed?
- Do I even notice or admit those moments when I actually need help?
- Why don’t I ask help?
- How does it really influence my life?
Photo: Austin Kehmeier, Unsplash

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